Dear Cait, I’m in a situation with this boy, let’s call him Gary. Gary and I have been a ‘thing’ for about 5 months now. It feels like a relationship, except we don’t have a label on it (and I refuse to have sex with him until we do). He’s always telling me I am his world and how much I mean to him but whenever I try to have a legit serious conversation about taking things to the next level and making things official there’s always an excuse from him. I’m starting to question if he’s even interested in me being his girlfriend or if he’s just keeping me around for the attention/benefits? How do I know if this is or isn’t the case? I’m really hoping you can help me because I feel like I can’t talk to my friends about this cause they all dislike him 🙁 Please help. – M
Dear M, I specifically hand picked your question to answer this week ’cause girl, I relate. Honestly, I dread to think how much time I have wasted, waiting around for a guy to make a decision regarding the future of our relationship – or lack thereof. In fact, my inner Aries is feeling particularly fiery about this topic at the moment, because (1) a couple of my girl friends found themselves in your shoes not long ago, and (2) recently, I myself had to let go of a certain situation, simply because I got sick of being stuck in limbo… and it sounds like you may be reaching that same point in this sitch with Gary, right?
A couple of months ago I wrote this post in which I talk about when a guy wants to be with you, he will be. I’d really recommend you give it a read. Tonight I read over it again and it was a basically a big fat MEMO TO SELF. At the core of that post, there’s a message I want to reiterate (to both myself and to you):
Don’t let mixed signals fool you.
Indecision is a decision.
Now, IDK about you but when I like someone, my standards fly right out the window. I whip out my heart-shaped, rose coloured spectacles to protect my eyes from the sun, which is shining out of the guy’s arsehole *obviously*. And instantly I become completely oblivious to any flaws he may have. Correct me if I’m wrong but I feel as though this is commonplace for so many of us girls. We like a guy and desperately want him to be ‘the one’, so we ignore the warning signs, believing that the goodness we know is within him will prevail through all the bullshit he’s currently serving up.
Don’t get me wrong, I’m a firm believer in always trying to see the best in people. But when it comes to dating, you’ve reaaallly gotta look out for you first and take care of your heart before his. Sometimes that means being honest with yourself when trying to figure out if a dude is genuine about whatever situation is supposedly keeping you two apart, or if he’s lying.
Unfortunately, trying to navigate past your own emotional attachments and look at the situation logically is not exactly a piece of cake. IMO this is where your BFFs come in. M, you made a side note about your friends not liking Gary. This screamed RED LIGHT to me. And while you may just think it’s because they don’t know Gary like you do (and that could well be the case), in my experience, when a friend doesn’t like your boyfriend or POI (person of interest) it’s simply because they’re not wearing your heart-shaped rose coloured spectacles. Meaning: they don’t have an emotional tie to him and chances are, they can see unsightly things you are probably blind to.
M, please ask yourself these questions: What is truly keeping you and Gary apart? Is he making a real effort to resolve things as quickly as he can? Or are you forever stuck in limbo? Ignore his excuses and don’t let his smooth talking and mixed signals fool you. Compare what he’s saying to what he’s doing. Don’t respond to his ‘reasoning’, respond to YOUR reality. And if you realise he is massaging the truth more than he’s telling it, then let. him. go.
If he’s not saying yes, he’s saying no.